I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
