watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
