Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
