LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
