I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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