he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
