Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
