She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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