I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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