I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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