so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
