my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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