best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
