Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
