it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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