I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
