you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
