I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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