So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
