i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
