david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
