Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
