I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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