Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
