I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
