I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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