if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
