:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
