She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
