i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
