Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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