Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
