I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
