The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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