You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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