life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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