If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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