No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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