finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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