Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
