Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
