My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
