She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
