i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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