the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just found a bag of teeth...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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