i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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