Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
