Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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