I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
