My liver just broke up with me...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
